NO is a valid answer too

There’s been so much uproar concerning ladies who either ignore dms from men or are entirely rude, or the ones who call out men that send messages to their inbox. Some argue that most women can’t hold a conversation which explains why they would rather ignore a chat or simply give a short reply.

The reason is unknown.

But here is the thing, maybe giving attention to people seeking their time and space is the least of their concern. What if these ladies are not interested and they do not even wish to converse with the person in question? Do we even think of the number of dms they have to reply to, and how tiring it can be for most of them when all they want to do online is chat, enjoy banters and read up on trends?

Why do we feel entitled to another human’s time and space even when they are clearly not interested in sharing their resource with you? Why does their silence or no response cause you worry and lead to an attack on their ability to hold a conversation or not? Why do you think someone who isn’t keen on sharing their space with us will be fine carrying any kind of discourse with you? Do you have an idea how much of her time she will have to spend doing the same, given the numbers of people testing same waters as yours? Now imagine trying to prove a point by being nice to everyone in your dm simply because you’re trying to show that you can hold a conversation, what time then do you have to go about your own life and breathe for you? To please all, a lady would have to ignore her own space just to pacify men’s ego. Just maybe silence in itself is an answer, maybe saying just no or a short answer is good enough. Just maybe, we should consider that no matter how rich your profile is and no matter how hot your drip is, a lady might just not be interested in obliging you her time, neither does she owe you an explanation as to why she can’t give her time. There are so many “maybes” to consider. Just maybe, your timing was wrong and they are too tired to follow on with your chat, or they are too focused on other goals that your dm is a distraction, just maybe, there are many of you in her dm and she really doesn’t want to have to ignore her other responsibilities just so she can placate your feelings.

The assumptions are endless.

It is high time we agreed that when we. request for a lady’s time and space, that her silence is good enough for an answer, that a short reply is just as good as a full sentence, and that people really do not owe us their time and space simply because we ask nicely. We ought to understand that no, is a full sentence, that silence in itself is an answer and that our sense of entitlement ends with ourselves only.

People are not tied to our wants and needs, they’re not created to soothe our spirit, and yes, no matter how disappointing people’s response to our request is, it is still their response. They owe us nothing, and we should simply learn to respect their space.

While we constantly seek validation from people and expect them to answer our every question about what we want from them, we must also remember that they have autonomy of self and can decide what and how to spend their resources; that includes their space and time.

We should also put in mind that you’re not the only person making unnecessary demands of their time and space.

And yes, NO is a valid answer.

This story first appeared on medium For more stories you can follow me on medium @adaezenwankwo5 

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WRITTEN BY

Adaeze Nwankwo

I’m a writer, poetry blogger, travel enthusiast, retail banker, feminist, Tv producer and photography stylist. When I’m not dancing, I like to read.

NOT READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP? You can do this…

Sometimes, we are not just available.

You see, there are moments when, no matter how ready we feel we are or how much we desire to be in a relationship with someone, we just can’t do it. There are periods when we are just not available to love or to be loved. Just like when we loose a signal in a certain area, and we climb up to the rooftop hoping that the signal will return; sometimes we even have to keep our phone in a certain way just to make the signal stay. It could be faint or distorted, but we try to keep the signal strong or at most make it stay for us to communicate with the person at the other side for the time being.

But you see, being in a relationship can be rough and hard, and just like getting a good signal, it can be so tough that even when the slightest hope of signal shows, it could cackle either from the person at the other end or the connection from our end is not just strong enough to link up. So most of the time, we look to others to make the signal stronger, we stay fixated hoping that the other person will move so we can connect better. Maybe, just maybe we are the ones who need to move. People can connect better differently on other basis and not necessarily as lovers, sometimes what is needed is a reconnection that stems from friendship and not as lovers. Who knows? But maybe staying fixed isn’t going to make the connection stronger or remaining in the balance wishing the other person sees that we are trying hard enough might just not be the signal we need to make the connection click. We may need to disconnect totally in order for us to get a clearer signal for or from others.

Being unavailable most of the time can be the energy that we need to recharge and refuel ourselves to connect better.

Though for some others, being unavailable is their first response to either fear of past experience or the anxiety of dealing with new feelings. So we deliberately stay unconnected to others so we do no have to do the work of making new connections, we ignore our need to socialize with others and help our minds explore new things and people’s ways and ideas. We stay rooted in our past fears and allow it to control our emotions and the way we respond to signals coming from other people.

We need to ask ourselves, why we let past memories direct our lives and make a decision. if we want to stay rooted in those worries or we can tell ourselves, that the past are just memories that have reshaped us and become a part of how we are learning to love and connect in a special and better way.

While some might be slow to connect, many seek connection from places where their energy gets deflated easily. These kind of people are afraid of their own solace, they worry about being by themselves, they abhor loneliness, get worked up over solitude and self control. Instead they do so much to find connections even to signals that are unhealthy to them, which bears the same results; they get shocked and burnt over and over again. We must understand that not every connection serves us, not every spark adds glow to us, some are takers and quenchers, they bring no value, instead they zap off what you have and drain you of the little energy you’re seeking to recharge. We just need to be mindful of places and people we choose to connect with.

As with all things great, there is the bad, so acknowledging our own role in building feeble connections is as important as feeding the right people. We need to know how to make ourselves accountable for who we feed our energy and vice versa. We must learn our own ways, know how and when we are or not open to connecting with others. We should never lead people on, sucking them up of their own power and making them weak from giving their resources to us. We need to learn to fill ourselves in ways that lets us know we are available to help others, and if and when we notice we are not available emotionally. It is best we communicate this and not goad the other person on for us to keep feeding off their energy. Accept that you’re not available, tell the other party you’re not interested and allow them find a better space to share and connect their emotions to. Never be the leech feeding off other people’s energy. Be truthful to yourself and others, tell your truth and do as you would others do unto you.

This article was first published via medium.

Follow me for more stories on medium @adaezenwankwo5

This work was edited by @Kinkinaijagirl follow the handle on Twitter for tweets on wholesomeness.